


The Four Times Julian Lennon Saw His Father and Paul McCartney Being In Love

by nowhere_blake



Category: The Beatles
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 23:35:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1138783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nowhere_blake/pseuds/nowhere_blake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>The Four Times Julian Lennon Saw His Father and Paul McCartney Being In Love</b> - Paul invites Julian for dinner, and Julian starts to think about the past, memories and a few secrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Four Times Julian Lennon Saw His Father and Paul McCartney Being In Love

**Author's Note:**

> Most of it is historically authentic, facts taken from Cynthia's book. Obviously this didn't happen, or if it did, I'm pretty sure, not like this.

He is sitting in the car, on his way to Paul's to have dinner and he's thinking, trying to remember. It's not hard at all, he can easily get the memories out of this secret drawer at the back of his mind, that's where he hid all four of them. Only four, 'cause these four are the obvious ones and even though Julian doesn't remember a time when he didn't know about it, he can recall these four strange memories when he saw them _together together_ , and he's been repressing them since god knows when. 

The first one is from a summer, they still lived in Kenwood, it must have been a year before the divorce, he thinks. There was this one afternoon when his mother went out, to go shopping perhaps, and he remembers that he was playing in the garden with the new toys that his dad brought him from America. Then Dot called him back into the house for tea, and there they were, his father and Uncle Paul, in the kitchen. They were smiling and laughing and he remembers that they kissed each other, the way Mum and Dad did quite often. He wanted to go into the kitchen to get his cup of tea, but something had stopped him, this weird tension, this secret in the air and he just knew he shouldn't go in. He doesn't remember how he felt or what he thought about it, but he can still see himself standing in the kitchen door, hesitating, thinking about what to do. He obviously didn't know back then, what it meant, so he didn't care too much about it. He just went back to play or something. God, he wishes he could erase that memory. It's not painful or anything, it's not even a particularly bad memory, but he sure knows now what it meant and it's just... he likes to think that before _her_ , everything was alright between his parents. 

Julian sighs and tries not to have sarcastic feelings. The next time was a few years later, he remembers that more vividly. He even knows it was November, though he has no idea how he knows that. He had spent the weekend at his dad's, and Hokey (that's how he called _her_ at the time) was not around for some reason. They went to London, because Dad wanted to show him the studio and he got pretty excited about it, because he'd never seen it before. Unfortunately Uncle Paul showed up too. It's not that he didn't like Uncle Paul, oh, he loved Uncle Paul very much, he only wanted his dad to care only about him and when Uncle Paul was around, that was sort of... impossible. They had a great time though, and he told them all about his new classmates and Lucy, this girl he had fancied back then in Year 2. They laughed a lot and Dad even let him have a sip of his Coke which was really cool, 'cause Mum never let him do anything like that. It's one of his good memories of Dad and when he thinks about it, he wants to smile and he still (aged 50!) feels getting a little bit competitive, because he doubts Sean has any memory of their father at all. What he doesn't want to remember though is the end of that afternoon. He was coming back from the loo or something and as he got to the door of the studio he felt this thing again, this tension lingering in the air, warning him not to go in yet. He stood at the door, waiting. 

'Come on, Paulie' he heard his father's voice 'Just one fucking meeting with Klein' 

'Yeah, but I don't like him... don't trust him, y'know and you can't do anything that'll change me mind, so-' it sounded like Uncle Paul wanted to say something else as well, but the sentence suddenly turned into giggling. 'Stop it, John! John... Ah, please... not now!' he could hear that both his dad and Uncle Paul were breathing heavily. 

'I love you, y'know' it was his father's voice again, gentle and caring. 

'Sometimes it sure don't look like it' there was a moment of silence after that, then his dad spoke again. 

'Oh, shut up, Macca, you know I do, you sod' 

'Cut it, Lennon' came the answer, but he could hear the smile out of Uncle Paul's voice. Then there was silence. Not dead silence though and Julian could sort of imagine what was going on on the other side of the door. A minute that seemed like at least a half an hour went, and then he heard one of them playing the guitar, and the weird atmosphere was gone, so he knew it was okay to enter the room. 

Now, you see, it wasn't a bad memory either, but at that point he was old enough to understand some aspects of this thing, this relationship between his dad and Uncle Paul and... he knew that something was off. He couldn't have put it into words, he was too young to do that, but he could feel the air changing when Paul and his father locked eyes. Something that never happened between Roberto and his loud, funny Italian friends. 

Probably a week or two after that, he overheard a heated phone conversation between his dad and Uncle Paul. It was in Tittenhurst, _she_ was out in the garden, meditating or whatever, while his father on the phone in the sitting room. 

'Would you stop calling me, Paul? I'm not interested in your begging... for fuck's sake, Paul, that's pathetic even coming from you' his father sounded annoyed. Really annoyed 'Stop calling then!' he shouted, then there was a long pause. The next few sentences were quieter and Julian could hear that there was love in them 'I'm sorry, okay? Don't cry, Paulie. We'll figure it out, I promise. We're the Foreverly Brothers, remember? I love you, always, Macca, you bastard. We'll figure it out' 

Julian hated when people were fighting. He vaguely remembered Mum and Dad's fights back from when they were still together. They weren't real fights though, it was mainly Dad shouting and breaking stuff. Still. He hated fights, and he especially hated fights with his dad, so before he could've gotten caught he quickly ran back to his room, because he was sure, oh yes, a hundred per cent sure that he shouldn't have heard that conversation. 

Julian takes a deep breath. Sometimes he still can't believe it's true. It's like even though he has his own memories of his father, and he knows Paul, he sometimes looks at them as famous rock stars, not his family. And as the world doesn't seem to know about them, there are these moments when he can't imagine that what he saw had actually happened. 

The next memory about them is from much much later. It was Christmas 1973, he was over in America, in Dad and May's New York apartment. He didn't expect to see Uncle Paul again, especially not in New York, so he was quite surprised to see him leave one morning. It was early, maybe 7 or 8 o'clock and Dad must have thought he was still asleep. 'I wanna meet him John, I haven't seen him in such a long time' that was Uncle Paul's voice for sure, coming from the hall. Julian put down his book and curiously went to the door of his room, but something told him he shouldn't open it yet. 

'Well, you can't. He doesn't know you're here and it'd be weird' his father said. It took Julian a couple of minutes to realise that they were talking about him. 

'Alright then. It was... good to see you, John' 

'Yeah, Paul, last night was... quite something, eh?' Julian couldn't quite see, but he knew Paul smiled, before he talked again. 

'I still-' 

'I know. Me too, I reckon' his father's voice sounded like he's never heard it before, it was... shy 'Ta ta then ya, Paulie. Bye, luv' There was a moment of silence, so Julian peeped through the keyhole. He had to put his hand in front of his mouth to prevent himself making any noise. Uncle Paul was in his father's arms, just like a woman, and... they were kissing. It was a passionate kiss, a heated one. They finally parted and Paul left with a smile on his face, but with tears in his eyes. Julian can still remember the tears. 

'Bye' 

Julian withdrew, frightened and confused. Then he heard the front door clicking and quickly jumped back into his bed. He was 11, still quite young, but he knew what he saw. His father kissed another man. Well, not just another man, he kissed Uncle Paul. He immediately knew he'd seen them kissing before, he just didn't know back then that it was wrong, like the other kids told him at school, that it should have alarmed and terrified him and make him scream. It was like a sudden realisation that struck him. Uncle Paul and his father were in love. Of course they were in love, they always acted like married people, if he thinks about it. But how can it be wrong, if it's his father doing it? It can't be that wrong after all! But the boys in his class said... and he couldn't get over this dilemma. He simply just couldn't, so he let the new electronic drum kit he got for Christmas make him forget about it. Of course it was only temporally. He never could get the picture of his dad kissing another man out of his mind entirely. 

Lots and lots of years have passed since these scenes occured, many things changed, and as Julian grew older and older he slowly started to understand the things he saw. First of all, he realised that two man kissing was not the end of the world and as he got familiar with the history of the Beatles, especially with the John and Paul story, many things got clearer. He desperately wanted to ask his mother about it, but he never had the courage. He had a slight suspicion that she knew _something_ , but he couldn't be entirely sure. 

After he thought so much about his father and Paul's relationship, and what actually was going on between them, hidden from the eyes of the world, it was strange to meet him again. He was a little bit afraid of seeing Paul after so many years, as he still had that picture perfect memory of him being in his father's arms. At the end everything turned out to be alright between them though. Naturally it was awkward at first, but then they found the topic that broke the ice. They both happily went on an on about _her_ and how _she_ ruined so many wonderful things in their lives. And it was great. Paul has always been sort of a father figure to him and they had many things to share with each other. After that first meeting, they had lunch together many times, and they did other stuff too. Sometimes they played together. Well, not much, just a little, a few chords, Paul just helped him out a little with a couple of songs, but it was lovely. Paul even asked his opinion of his new songs, and he really seemed to care about what he said. Julian was thrilled. It reminded him of the time when his dad asked him about his songs. He would play the demo recordings over the phone and ask him, giggling: 

'What do you think, Jules, eh? Do I still have it, son?' 

 

And now they are sitting at the table in Paul's house in the Hamptons, and Beatrice is telling him how she loves his dad's songs, especially _Imagine_ and she is really sweet, and she looks just like Paul and they laugh and Julian realises that he's actually having fun. Then Nancy asks him about his photo exhibition and he answers something, who knows what, something standard, but the only thing he can think about is how many pictures of his father staring at Paul with love in his eyes he looked through during the last couple of months. And when Nancy leaves them alone to put Beatrice into bed, he actually considers asking. But what can he possibly ask this man? The _lover_ of his father. 

'I'm sorry about Beatrice' Paul says and pours them a drink 'She's energy for sure' 

Julian smiles and stays silent. Does he really wanna ask? No, he can't be seriously thinking about that. 

'The oldest and youngest Beatle children at the same table' Paul adds and his smile is bitter-sweet as he gives him his drink 'God, Jules, you're already 50. Have any idea how old that makes me feel?' Julian sighs. 

'But you still have it, Paul. That's the only thing that matters - music' he says, not because he really means it, but because he wants to comfort him and suddenly - at the light of the fireplace - he sees how old Paul actually is. 'You know...' he's not entirely sure that he wants to finish the sentence, but somehow he thinks it would help Paul, it would make him feel better 'Sometimes it really scares me how I'm already 10 years older than he was when he died' Paul looks up. There's surprise in his eyes, Julian can clearly see that he wasn't expecting him to talk about his father with him. 

'I... he was, you know... I-' Paul can't seem to find the words, so he cuts him off. 

'I know. I miss him too' and they lock eyes for a moment and Julian fully understands it now. Maybe it's disgusting for some people, maybe it would outrage others, but it's only love. And he wants to tell Paul, he'd like to let him know how he feels about it, but even after so many years he's still quite unsure how to put it into words. 'You know, I... Do you remember that time you went to see Dad in New York?' 

'In the Dakota?' Paul asks and he seems a little bit confused. 

'No' Julian says and he smiles warmly at the other man 'The apartment overlooking the Hudson river?' he's keep staring at his shoes, not daring to look up. 

'The one he had with May?' Paul finally says, and it's not a question, not really. His voice chokes at the end of the sentence and it makes Julian look up. Paul has tears in his eyes, he's shaking a little and he's looking at him with this gentle, questioning look on his face. 

'You wanted to see me, but Dad didn't let you. I... overheard it' he says, trying to explain it and Paul slowly nods 'I just.. I just want you to know that it would've been fine. I mean for you to meet me back then and stuff. I would've been okay with it, I think' he says and he feels like an 11-year-old again. Paul is just looking at him, clearly not knowing what to say, so he continues 'It's only love after all, isn't it, Uncle Paul?' 

There is a moment of silence, tension in the air, then Paul finally opens his mouth to say something, but Nancy chooses that exact moment to re-enter the room. 

'She's asleep now' she says 'Does anyone want one more slice of cake?' Paul is still staring at Julian, like he cannot believe what he has just heard. When no one answers, Nancy asks again. 

'Cake anyone?' 

Paul seems to wake up from a trans of some kind. 

'I'm fine, Nanc, thank you' he answers, but he's still looking at Julian in disbelief 'You, Jules? Want some... cake?' and he smiles. Julian knows exactly that it's not his usual smile though. It's his perfectly reserved smile for John Lennon. Julian is sure about it, because he's seen it a hundred times on pictures and... a couple of times in person too. So he takes a deep breath and smiles back. 

'Cake? Yeah, sure. Why not?' 

Then the next thing he knows that they're already standing at the front door, saying goodbye, and he can feel the warm New York breeze on his face. Nancy kisses him goodnight and goes back to the house, leaving them alone in the darkness of the pleasant end-of-summer night. Paul hugs him tight and when they part, the older man is still holding onto his arm. He looks into Julian's eyes, that are so much like his father's, deeply, so that he knows he means it. 

'Thank you. For telling me about it' he says, then he hesitates 'If you have any questions-' 

'It's more than enough for me that he... loved you' Julian says, because he doesn't want to know. He hasn't got to know. 

Paul nods, and there are the tears again, this time going down on his cheeks. He hugs him again and Julian thinks that maybe he shouldn't have said anything. But when they say their final goodbyes he knows he did the right thing. Paul looks... happier and he's smiling that special smile again. 

'Bye, Jules. Love ya' 

He waves a last one and waits till Paul closes the front door. Then in the car, on the way to the hotel Julian gets this strange feeling. This impossible idea that... Could it be actually possible? That after all those loving looks, after so many love songs that were obviously written for him... is it possible, Paul still doesn't believe that John truly loved him? Then Julian just shakes his head and laughs a little. Of course not, that's stupid. He knows it too, he must. And he slowly gets back into his own life, not thinking anymore about those four times he saw his father and Paul McCartney being in love.


End file.
